Yes, you sweet, silly boy! We are keeping you and we love you and you are important too!

We brought Joseph home in May.  My parents were at our house, waiting for us, ready to help us for the first 9-10 days of our transition.  They were the first extended family members whom he met, just 90 minutes after he got off of the plane in Washington DC.  He has been to their old farm house 2 times, for 5-day visits during the summer.  

During his first few hours at the farmhouse, only 18 months old, he wandered into the dining room where my parents have a wall of photographs.  It's a visual family tree, with Dad's family branching to the left, Mom's to the right, and my brothers and I coming down the center, with several more pictures of Abigail, their only grandchild until Joseph entered the family, near the bottom.  Joseph looked and squawked and yelled and pointed at the pictures, to those he recognized, I suppose.  His sister, recent pictures of aunts and uncles and me and his Baba.  And he looked all over the wall, running back and forth the length of the room.  Pointing and yelling and squawking more.  He did this a few times each day for that first visit.  

Then, five weeks later, he did this same thing for his second visit.  I suggested to my parents that he was protesting that he didn't have a picture on the wall.  I took a cute one, ordered an 8"x10" for them online and made them promise to hang it up once it arrived by mail (in a bright orange envelope!).  

Fast forward to Friday night.  We arrived at my parents at about 9 pm.  Joseph was awake because he had an (unfortunately long) nap in the car for a few hours.  After he hugged my parents in the kitchen, he was running through the dining room to the play room full of toys when he stopped and searched the picture wall.  He saw his new, big photo and right away, he began pointing and yelling excitedly at it. He led people by the finger into the room and showed them the picture, yelling happy sounds, excitedly saying words that we didn't understand.  He was so proud.  He made the wall.  He knew he was important like his sister and that This was Permanent and he beamed with joy.  All weekend, he would periodically run into the dining room and check the wall, pointing and smiling radiantly at his photo, so full of pride and happiness that we thought he might explode!  

It was pretty amazing that at 22 months, this is something he decided all on his own was super important and meaningful to him.  

Dear sweet Joseph, how deep do your little thoughts go?  Please start talking so that we know.

The Lonely Adoption Problem, aka: Vampire Child (Cute By Day, Sucks Life out of Parents at Night)

Some adopted kids (but not all) come home to their forever families with issues.  Some have sensory issues or problems with textures.  Some have hoarding problems or other issues with food: eating too much or not enough.  Still others have issues with strangers or feeling distrustful of one gender or another.  Yet others have issues with forming loving bonds and attachment to their new family.  All of these can mostly, if not entirely, be battles that the parents and child can fight together during the long patience of daytime.  If they are lucky, the parents may even be able to enlist the help of other soldiers like immediate family members, grandparents, doctors, or therapists, to help fight the battles.

However, this is not true for parents with children who are battling the demons of sleep issues.  When your child has a sleep issue, you don't have the luxury of summoning up patience and love while you are at your best, but instead, you have to find the compassion and serenity (often multiple times) in the dead of night.  When people vaguely say "let me know if there is anything I can do to help" you can't say "come on over tomorrow about 4 am because that is when my child is going to wake up inconsolable and screaming, and you can deal with it while I get to sleep through it."  No, these are battles that are intimately fought solo, with only Erebus to keep you company.

The way that sleep problems manifest in the night might vary, from quiet, sleepy whimpers that only need a soft touch and comforting whisper to guide the child back into sleep to full blown meltdowns, characterized by quick, deafening, staccato screams and wild, stiff movements, sure indications that his amygdalae were working overtime again, and your poor little kiddo now has so much cortisol coursing through his veins that it will be impossible for either one of you to go back to sleep; get ready for the sunrise because you are now Up For The Day.  

For the parent of kids with sleep issues, knowing that when you lie down for the night, intending to power off and recharge like the device plugged in beside your bed, but aware that you never really get to do so, you never actually get into a deep and restful slumber.  Instead, you are still on alert, never quite shut down, never quite recharging.  

The problem is compounded when your child with sleep problems also doesn't seem to need more than 9 hours of sleep daily, and is still needing and taking a short daytime nap and therefore only getting a little more than 8 hours of rest during the night.  This means that parents who are already stressed-out and sleep deprived have zero time to enjoy a book, have a hobby, watch a movie, catch up on a TV show, or talk about life and decompress over a glass of wine in the evening but instead must send themselves off to bed minutes after the child falls asleep; it is the only way to minimize the zombie effects of spending part of the night awake to comfort a child followed by a 4 - something - o'clock wake up call that is gauran-damn-teed to happen in 8 hours.  

Imagine waking with your child 8 times between 8 pm and 4 am, and then a full-blown meltdown happens.  There the two of you are, at a time when only people catching an early flight and night shift nurses are awake.  Your child, in fight-or-flight mode, short punctuated screams emanating from his little body, not wanting comfort or anything you can provide, and you, roused once again from sleep, at first groggy and then your own amygdalae kick into action.  Your spouse trades places with you so that you can go back to sleep.  But you can't because your child already put you on high-alert and even though you are sleep deprived, you can't help but do the sleep math in your head, "Even if I fall asleep right now, I'll still only have x hours of sleep before I need to slog off to work..."  You even crawl in bed next to your daughter, hoping that her soft rhythmic snoring and warm bed will pull you into their orbit, inviting you back to sleep, but instead, you sob (albeit silently) into a pillow next to her, (simultaneously envious of the 10-11 hours of sleep she is getting and relieved that one of your children is sleeping soundly) because you are exhausted and because no one but your spouse can understand just how exhausted this is and because you cannot see an end to this madness and it is such an emotionally debilitating and lonely job. 

*I want to add that my husband, Father of the Year and Husband of the Year, does the Lion's share of the nightly care taking of our son.  That doesn't mean he is the only one effected by this.  We all are. 

Sunday Snapshot: 5 months home

5 months ago this guy joined our family!
The 3 poses:
1. Joseph, dance for me
2. Joseph, give me your BIGGEST smile
3. Joseph, do a dance and your BIGGEST smile at the same time!
He was wearing these same pants the day we met him, but at that time, they fell right off of him as he was 14 pounds lighter and were long enough to be past the end of his toes as he was many inches shorter!

Letter to Joseph, Son and Brother

Dear Joseph,
Pretty soon, we'll be marking off 5 months that you will have been in our family.  You spent 504 days in an orphanage, and eventually, on September 22nd of next year, you will have finally been in a family longer than you were in an orphanage.  Little by little, day by day, we get to even that score while day by day you amaze us with your resilience.  

Joseph, for 504 days you may not have known that you were supposed to be well fed and held and played with and cuddled and tickled and entertained and loved, but you have caught on to these ideas quickly!  You have completely bought into this whole family thing and you completely and rightfully expect that your Baba and I, along with your sister, are here to meet your wants and needs.  You want to be held?  You got it.  You want a drink?  You know who to ask.  You want someone to push you for 45 minutes in the swing?  Sure.  You are ready at 4 o'clock in the morning to get up and start playing for the day?  Well, your Baba handles that solo, but he does so every day for you!  You make us exhausted, but you so completely trust us that we always try to meet your expectations.  We don't want to let you down. You didn't ask to be adopted and flown half way around the world, but you seem to like it anyhow.  

You like Juice Boxes so much
I love to call you Buster.  That is
a reference to a TV show that is
really before your time.

Jos, you are such a happy little boy.  You are also stubborn and energetic and you have really big ideas.  In fact, your ideas are so enormous, that you can hardly contain them within your little body.  They come out in screams and bursts of squeals, giggles and sometimes tantrums.  They manifest physically as you run, fall, climb, and twirl from place to place.  You had 2 giant bruises on your face this week, the results of some of your big ideas.  Nothing is too big to climb.  No speed is too fast, and if you crash, so be it because your family will pick you up and hug you and kiss your tears until, 20 seconds later, you wiggle and squirm to get away and back to adventure.  

Through observation, you also have figured out how everything works here.  You know where your shoes are kept, when to put them on, and even have a good idea of how to accomplish that.  You know where the leash is and have an idea of how to walk the dog.  You understand what trash is and where we keep the garbage can and you even squeeze your little hand behind the childproofed cabinet door to throw away your unwanted wrappers or old juice boxes.  You know where food is kept and you figured out how to navigate and climb the fridge to get to the juice boxes.  You know where to put your dirty clothes after a bath and where your dirty diapers go after being changed.  You seem to take comfort in the daily routines of our life, however boring they may be, they are ours for now.  

Part hug-fest, part wrestle-mania, you and
your sister are best friends.  It is our hope for
you both that you will stay close as you grow up.

Happiness is
a Stinky Blankie.
.....

This letter would be incomplete without mentioning how very much your sister loves you.  She refers to you as "my baby" like when, the other day, you made off with a block from her classroom and she returned it to her teacher saying "Sorry, but my baby took this" and when she is 8 or 9 she plans to marry you. She is proud of you, proud to be a big sister, and wants the world for you.  She wants to make sure you get your fair share.  She wants you to be happy, comfortable, healthy. Until you start talking, she will be your voice (and maybe after that too!).   She says "Joseph wants crackers" or "Joseph and I want to ride our bikes."  Last Saturday you were sick with fever and vomiting.  After playing at a park (babies do not slow down when they are sick), you fell asleep in the car and Baba carried you into the house and laid you down on the floor.  Abigail, in a very touching display said "My little brother Joseph would feel better if he had Blankie" and she put her Blankie on top of you.  This is the very Blankie she swore she would never share with you.  The Blankie that would be the first non-living thing we would save from our house if it were on fire.  The Blankie you try unsuccessfully to steal from her in the mornings when you watch Curious George together.  Pure love.  

Joseph, you are a sweet, loving little boy.  I can easily imagine you growing into a kind and silly man like your Baba.  Stay sweet and loving, Jos.  

Love,
Mama

PS:  If you want to sleep through the night until 5 or 6, no one will mind!

Sunday Snapshot(s) Kiddie Hiking

He ran or walked for most of 2 hours!

It was the most beautiful fall day today!

Cuties

Full Disclosure: Why I am a Terrible Mother

I love my kids.
Seriously, I mama-bear-love them and would seriously maim anyone who would be so stupid as to hurt them. Or tell them that Santa is not real.  (I seriously pity the child who breaks that news to Abigail.  He'll be in a body cast.)

But I am a Terrible Mother.  I am just being honest.  Larry always kisses me and hugs me and says "I love being a parent with you on my team" but I really do suck.  Here's why:

1. I am an introvert.  Having 2 tiny people want to be around me 24/7 doesn't work well with my personality.  (Yes, I claim all 24 hours since one of them always wants to sleep with me and will even sneak into bed next to me after I have fallen asleep.)  Related issue: I do not enjoy being a jungle gym and I sometimes wish that my 1 year old and 4 year old understood "personal space."
2. While Lar and I are both on summer break, we are putting the kids into daycare for 2 days per week.  We say it is to help them stay on a schedule.  To keep Joseph socialized.  So Abigail can see her friends.  But really, I would be willing to go into debt putting them in for 5 days per week just to have all that glorious time to myself.
3. Speaking of daycare, I am a MUCH better mother on days when the kids are in daycare.  It seems like I have a finite amount of patience and awesomeness and love (gulp!!) to share and on the days that they are in daycare for 8 hours and come home, all of that Wonderful Mom-ness is condensed into about 6 hours.  On days that they are home All. Day. Long.  all of my Wonderful Mom-ness has to be stretched thin to last All. Day. Long.
   I can't make more of it and the kids want to use it up by 7:43 AM.
4. Often, I find myself more interested in taking great pictures, editing pictures, sharing videos, blogging, and scrapbooking about how great my kids are and what fun things we have done and how much I love them instead of actually spending more mind-numbing time with them as they dump all of the blocks, cars, trains, train tracks, and play food onto the floor for the 12 millionth time this week.
5. I would rather run alone.  Yes, we have a double jogging stroller.  Yes, Larry likes to run too.
   But I would rather it be a solo venture.  (See #1)
6. And speaking of exercise, if I run alone, then that means Larry has had the kids for ~40 minutes.  So I feel guilty taking a shower and making him watch the kids even longer.  As a result, I am forced to decide what to do with my precious free time and loathe being forced to decide between such luxuries as exercise, showering, shaving, using the computer, and eating something I don't want to share with anyone.
7. That brings me to drink-sharing.  If I have a drink, my kids think that by extension it is their drink too.  But I have decided I am done with that; a full-scale drink-sharing embargo is now in effect.  I used to share, but no more.  I have had my fill of back-wash and mysterious floaties, not to mention the HFMD incident and how much Joseph is a festering toxic germ factory. I will gladly get them their own drink, but that never appeals to them as much as mine does.
8. I don't hear Joseph when he cries at night.  Larry will say to me in the morning, "Joseph cried 6 times last night" and I will not be aware of a single one of them as I slept right through the whole thing.  Six times.
9. All the inspirational, bloggy, preachy mommy people make memes and write about enjoying every minute with the kids while they are little and claim that things like laundry and dusting can wait.  I don't entirely agree with this.  I am just not going to live in a dirty house and my kids are going to wear clean clothes.
   When Abigail wants to be held and cover me with kisses or wants to be tucked in for the 3rd sweet time at night because she just wants another few moments with me, I sigh sadly thinking that before I know it, she will want nothing to do with me, especially not cuddly moments and kisses.  When Joseph gives a full-out belly laugh in a way that only babies can, I think "I want to bottle that sound and keep it forever."
   I do enjoy these moments, but that isn't the stuff of which days are made.
   In the every-day moments of daily living, I would usually rather be the parent scrubbing the bathroom or doing the laundry than the parent pushing 2 kids on the backyard swing while it is 90 degrees outside or squeezing back tears of boredom and listlessness while sitting on the floor next to the play kitchen set, waiting for the kids to make me a 42nd "dinner" in under as many minutes while I can only think about all of the real work I could be getting done, instead of sitting there.
   But the inspirational, bloggy, preachy mommy people don't acknowledge that real parenting is boring.  They would make you feel guilty for thinking "this is SO boring" while you are spotting your 1 year old climbing up the toddler slide for the umpteenth time today.
   But in reality, these are some of the things I did this summer because I found them more fulfilling and less mind-numbing than babysitting my own kids:  dusting, toilet scrubbing, laundry, mopping, waxing the car, closet cleaning, weeding, cleaning all the fan blades, and washing our 19 windows (inside and out). 

Given the crazy nature of my life, this entry was made in pieces all summer, just to find time for it.
Anyone can feel free to read this entry and commiserate or silently judge me.  However, any unsolicited attempts at advice-giving will not be well received or tolerated and I may seriously hurt you.

{Please don't take my kids from me.}

Tales from PA (part 3- going to a petting zoo)

My mom doesn't work Mondays and my dad took the day off so that we could all take the kids to a zoo.  I love zoos.  I have been to many zoos in my life and I love taking the kids to different zoos.  My favorite moment of this trip was when the male lion was feeling discontent about everyone watching him and he charged the viewing glass while letting out a thunderous roar, getting nose-to-nose behind the glass with Joseph.  Joseph held his ground though: he just roared his little roar right back!  I wish I had it on video!

Joseph getting up close and personal with a camel
when he really wanted to meet the zebra

Joseph was a little unsure about petting a joey!!

Joseph was also unsure about
this giant wooden tortoise statue.  

As usual, Abigail's favorite animal
was the giraffes.

Abigail even got to bottle feed
a baby giraffe!!

Joseph's favorite animals were
any of the primates.  He couldn't get enough
of them.  

Joseph REALLY liked the primates.
See- he is communicating with this one.

Abigail enjoyed petting the kangaroo
but the wallabys were softer.  

When not looking at primates,
Joseph passed the time by
looking at the person who was carrying him!

Hi!