Seriously, I mama-bear-love them and would seriously maim anyone who would be so stupid as to hurt them. Or tell them that Santa is not real. (I seriously pity the child who breaks that news to Abigail. He'll be in a body cast.)
But I am a Terrible Mother. I am just being honest. Larry always kisses me and hugs me and says "I love being a parent with you on my team" but I really do suck. Here's why:
- I am an introvert. Having 2 tiny people want to be around me 24/7 doesn't work well with my personality. (Yes, I claim all 24 hours since one of them always wants to sleep with me and will even sneak into bed next to me after I have fallen asleep.) Related issue: I do not enjoy being a jungle gym and I sometimes wish that my 1 year old and 4 year old understood "personal space."
- While Lar and I are both on summer break, we are putting the kids into daycare for 2 days per week. We say it is to help them stay on a schedule. To keep Joseph socialized. So Abigail can see her friends. But really, I would be willing to go into debt putting them in for 5 days per week just to have all that glorious time to myself.
- Speaking of daycare, I am a MUCH better mother on days when the kids are in daycare. It seems like I have a finite amount of patience and awesomeness and love (gulp!!) to share and on the days that they are in daycare for 8 hours and come home, all of that Wonderful Mom-ness is condensed into about 6 hours. On days that they are home All. Day. Long. all of my Wonderful Mom-ness has to be stretched thin to last All. Day. Long.
I can't make more of it and the kids want to use it up by 7:43 AM.
- Often, I find myself more interested in taking great pictures, editing pictures, sharing videos, blogging, and scrapbooking about how great my kids are and what fun things we have done and how much I love them instead of actually spending more mind-numbing time with them as they dump all of the blocks, cars, trains, train tracks, and play food onto the floor for the 12 millionth time this week.
- I would rather run alone. Yes, we have a double jogging stroller. Yes, Larry likes to run too.
But I would rather it be a solo venture. (See #1)
- And speaking of exercise, if I run alone, then that means Larry has had the kids for ~40 minutes. So I feel guilty taking a shower and making him watch the kids even longer. As a result, I am forced to decide what to do with my precious free time and loathe being forced to decide between such luxuries as exercise, showering, shaving, using the computer, and eating something I don't want to share with anyone.
- That brings me to drink-sharing. If I have a drink, my kids think that by extension it is their drink too. But I have decided I am done with that; a full-scale drink-sharing embargo is now in effect. I used to share, but no more. I have had my fill of back-wash and mysterious floaties, not to mention the HFMD incident and how much Joseph is a festering toxic germ factory. I will gladly get them their own drink, but that never appeals to them as much as mine does.
- I don't hear Joseph when he cries at night. Larry will say to me in the morning, "Joseph cried 6 times last night" and I will not be aware of a single one of them as I slept right through the whole thing. Six times.
- All the inspirational, bloggy, preachy mommy people make memes and write about enjoying every minute with the kids while they are little and claim that things like laundry and dusting can wait. I don't entirely agree with this. I am just not going to live in a dirty house and my kids are going to wear clean clothes.
When Abigail wants to be held and cover me with kisses or wants to be tucked in for the 3rd sweet time at night because she just wants another few moments with me, I sigh sadly thinking that before I know it, she will want nothing to do with me, especially not cuddly moments and kisses. When Joseph gives a full-out belly laugh in a way that only babies can, I think "I want to bottle that sound and keep it forever."
I do enjoy these moments, but that isn't the stuff of which days are made.
In the every-day moments of daily living, I would usually rather be the parent scrubbing the bathroom or doing the laundry than the parent pushing 2 kids on the backyard swing while it is 90 degrees outside or squeezing back tears of boredom and listlessness while sitting on the floor next to the play kitchen set, waiting for the kids to make me a 42nd "dinner" in under as many minutes while I can only think about all of the real work I could be getting done, instead of sitting there.
But the inspirational, bloggy, preachy mommy people don't acknowledge that real parenting is boring. They would make you feel guilty for thinking "this is SO boring" while you are spotting your 1 year old climbing up the toddler slide for the umpteenth time today.
But in reality, these are some of the things I did this summer because I found them more fulfilling and less mind-numbing than babysitting my own kids: dusting, toilet scrubbing, laundry, mopping, waxing the car, closet cleaning, weeding, cleaning all the fan blades, and washing our 19 windows (inside and out).
Given the crazy nature of my life, this entry was made in pieces all summer, just to find time for it.
Anyone can feel free to read this entry and commiserate or silently judge me. However, any unsolicited attempts at advice-giving will not be well received or tolerated and I may seriously hurt you.