The Lonely Adoption Problem, aka: Vampire Child (Cute By Day, Sucks Life out of Parents at Night)

Some adopted kids (but not all) come home to their forever families with issues.  Some have sensory issues or problems with textures.  Some have hoarding problems or other issues with food: eating too much or not enough.  Still others have issues with strangers or feeling distrustful of one gender or another.  Yet others have issues with forming loving bonds and attachment to their new family.  All of these can mostly, if not entirely, be battles that the parents and child can fight together during the long patience of daytime.  If they are lucky, the parents may even be able to enlist the help of other soldiers like immediate family members, grandparents, doctors, or therapists, to help fight the battles.

However, this is not true for parents with children who are battling the demons of sleep issues.  When your child has a sleep issue, you don't have the luxury of summoning up patience and love while you are at your best, but instead, you have to find the compassion and serenity (often multiple times) in the dead of night.  When people vaguely say "let me know if there is anything I can do to help" you can't say "come on over tomorrow about 4 am because that is when my child is going to wake up inconsolable and screaming, and you can deal with it while I get to sleep through it."  No, these are battles that are intimately fought solo, with only Erebus to keep you company.

The way that sleep problems manifest in the night might vary, from quiet, sleepy whimpers that only need a soft touch and comforting whisper to guide the child back into sleep to full blown meltdowns, characterized by quick, deafening, staccato screams and wild, stiff movements, sure indications that his amygdalae were working overtime again, and your poor little kiddo now has so much cortisol coursing through his veins that it will be impossible for either one of you to go back to sleep; get ready for the sunrise because you are now Up For The Day.  

For the parent of kids with sleep issues, knowing that when you lie down for the night, intending to power off and recharge like the device plugged in beside your bed, but aware that you never really get to do so, you never actually get into a deep and restful slumber.  Instead, you are still on alert, never quite shut down, never quite recharging.  

The problem is compounded when your child with sleep problems also doesn't seem to need more than 9 hours of sleep daily, and is still needing and taking a short daytime nap and therefore only getting a little more than 8 hours of rest during the night.  This means that parents who are already stressed-out and sleep deprived have zero time to enjoy a book, have a hobby, watch a movie, catch up on a TV show, or talk about life and decompress over a glass of wine in the evening but instead must send themselves off to bed minutes after the child falls asleep; it is the only way to minimize the zombie effects of spending part of the night awake to comfort a child followed by a 4 - something - o'clock wake up call that is gauran-damn-teed to happen in 8 hours.  

Imagine waking with your child 8 times between 8 pm and 4 am, and then a full-blown meltdown happens.  There the two of you are, at a time when only people catching an early flight and night shift nurses are awake.  Your child, in fight-or-flight mode, short punctuated screams emanating from his little body, not wanting comfort or anything you can provide, and you, roused once again from sleep, at first groggy and then your own amygdalae kick into action.  Your spouse trades places with you so that you can go back to sleep.  But you can't because your child already put you on high-alert and even though you are sleep deprived, you can't help but do the sleep math in your head, "Even if I fall asleep right now, I'll still only have x hours of sleep before I need to slog off to work..."  You even crawl in bed next to your daughter, hoping that her soft rhythmic snoring and warm bed will pull you into their orbit, inviting you back to sleep, but instead, you sob (albeit silently) into a pillow next to her, (simultaneously envious of the 10-11 hours of sleep she is getting and relieved that one of your children is sleeping soundly) because you are exhausted and because no one but your spouse can understand just how exhausted this is and because you cannot see an end to this madness and it is such an emotionally debilitating and lonely job. 

*I want to add that my husband, Father of the Year and Husband of the Year, does the Lion's share of the nightly care taking of our son.  That doesn't mean he is the only one effected by this.  We all are. 

Keeping Up Appearances

Our close friends, group 2091, and close family know different parts of how difficult this week has been.
The ugly, the difficult, the frustrating, the lonely.

And most people want to hear about our wonderful experience or (in their view) how we "saved" a child from an orphanage.  Most people want to hear the good news.  And most people hear it.

But we aren't heros.
We are just two tired people, trying to get through the days.

Yet, the past two afternoons, as our kids played happily together, as Joseph giggled and branched out even more and Abigail didn't burst into sobs and accuse us of playing favorites where she was the losing party, we were 2 very happy parents.

*deep breath*

It is all going to be great.
But it is going to be a hell of a long summer.

2 sibs, playing in a box

We left them alone for about 20 minutes today behind closed doors.
We heard no screams so assumed everything was going well.
When we checked on them, Abigail said "I am such a good
big sister.  I watched him and played with him and I even
wiped his runny nose and put it [the tissue] in the garbage can."

Part of our challenges this week is that
the little guy is sick AND had a reaction to
his MMR vaccine he got last week.
He just couldn't get comfortable last night.
(5 hours of sleep for him, 3 for Larry as a result)

4th Day Home

I have flown to Asia and back 3 times.  All 3 times, I was pretty good, if not perfect (sleep-wise) going there but in a week-long hang-over upon my return to the States.  This is no exception, although I blame the kids a lot for that.  Abigail is exhausted and falling asleep like a narcoleptic every evening hours before her bedtime.  This means after a full night of sleep, she is awake and ready to go at 3:30 each morning.  We are trying to push her back, but no luck yet.  She keeps falling asleep too early and is un-wakeable.

Joseph LOVES riding in the wagon

playing at home

Joseph was sleeping a healthy 10-11 hours through the night in China.  But now he doesn't know when night is.  He also is getting better, but isn't there yet.  It took Abigail a month to get on the right time zone when we adopted her and brought her home and I do think that Joseph is going to get adjusted faster than that.

We feel very fortunate that my parents are here for over a week to help us all adjust, do some cleaning, food prep, baby-sitting, and child-entertaining.  They are definitely earning their keep this week!  From watching Abigail riding on my mom's back (the horsie) as she crawled on the floor after Joseph, to my dad working through a to-do list we had for him, in addition to babysitting duties, they are going to be happy to go home I think!

The Grandparents brought gifts!

Abigail is over the moon for her new "Bone and Arrow"

Hangin' with Yinski

We got back Saturday at about 1 in the morning.
We slept and when we woke, I felt pretty rested.  I didn't think the jet lag was going to get me.
My brother Jim and his wife Steph came for a visit.  Then it hit me.  Those two really earned their Aunt and Uncle badges that day because I fell asleep and the kids were also trying to fall asleep at 4 pm, so they kept the kids awake and played with them.  I thought they were just coming for a nice visit and they ended up working their tails off.  We couldn't have been more appreciative!

Steph played with Joseph and Abigail.
Jim had to play Superheros with Abigail
for hours in the basement so I didn't get his picture.

On Sunday morning, my other brother Dean and his wife Kim came for a visit.  They were so sweet to Abigail, giving her that extra attention she is craving so much now.  They also brought our dog back, 2 pounds lighter, which is great because she is no longer a football-shaped min pin, but much more dog-shaped.  Kim apparently put her through doggie-boot-camp.

Uncle Dean with his new nephew.
(Kim was playing with the dog, who
tried to go home with her again!) 

Monday was a rough day; Joseph had his well-baby check up and was inoculated against 8 different diseases in 6 vaccines and was also given a TB test.  So, after getting stuck 7 times, he was not Happy Baby the rest of the day.  We can't blame him, but it made for a rough day.  Abigail returned to karate and my parents got to take her.  Dad said of the class, "Usually you have to pay for entertainment like that!"

A real life He-Man

Tuesday has seen the return of Happy Baby.  Joseph has been having so much fun playing today that I was loathe to put him down for a nap but knew that it was necessary in order to get him onto the right time schedule.  We also took the kids for our first jog together as a family of 4.  They enjoyed it and Larry is really going to get into shape pushing 50 pounds of kid and 37 pounds of stroller!!

Happy Baby is back!

Working on our dinner.
It is probably hard-boiled eggs: his favorite food!

Ah?

Still Getting Caught Up on the Fun Stuff...

...like blogging, writing in Abigail's journal, working on Shutterfly books, and spending time with my favorite photo editor site.  Right now I have one kiddo who is napping and one husband who is baking bread (that isn't a euphemism for anything) so I am going to squeeze as much out of this hour as humanly possible!

Near the end of July, Abigail started to babble in some mixed English/ toddler language and for the first time in a long time we didn't always understand what she was saying.  We didn't know if it was the impending move to Virginia or if (as many of our more experienced parent friends had told us) she was about to have another breakthrough in her language development.  As it turned out, it was the latter; her nonsensical babbling segued into more developed sentences and advanced ideas.  Suddenly 12-15 word sentences full of feelings, ideas, empathy, and curiosity about the world started pouring out of her mouth.  For example

• She noticed a Band-Aid on my thumb and I told her that I wasn't being careful and had cut myself with a knife.  She patted my back and said "Mama I am sorry you cut yourself with a knife by accident." (12 words)
• I was tucking her into bed one evening and she was thinking about animals. She said "Do Lion Kings live so far away you have to ride an airplane to get there?" (16 words, and Lion Kings are just lions)
• We have also been hearing a lot of "Mama/ Baba, I have a great idea...." and "Mama/ Baba, can I ask you a question..." and "Mama/ Baba, I want to say something important..."  although all 3 of these have been followed up with a giant "roar!!" when she realized she, in fact, didn't have an idea or question.

There are other new things for Abigail since we have moved.  She has watched her first full-length movie without interruptions or breaking it into parts.  The movie was Shrek and on a particularly hot day we did let her watch it two times through without feeling too guilty.  She would watch it every day if we allowed her.  

Abigail also has become pretty adept with chopsticks.  We taught her how to eat raisins first and she was pretty proud of herself.  

Abigail showing off her raising eating skills with her chopsticks

For a few weeks, Abigail decided that she did not like going to school.  I don't know if she simply preferred to lie on the couch and watch Shrek while Lar and I worked on the house, or if she just really wanted to keep us in her sight because she was still freaked out from the move.  At any rate, after having my crying child pulled from my leg by a daycare teacher while she screamed bloody murder "I WANT MY MAMA", I went to the library for books on separation anxiety in tots.  We hit on Llama Llama Misses Mama and it was a winner.  We read it 5-6 times the first afternoon and she loved it and really related to the story.  The next day before school we read it a few more times and when I dropped her off I said "What does Mama always do?"  and she said "Mama always COMES BACK!!" and that was pretty much it.  We repeat that mantra every morning, but she is okay with getting dropped off.  I love when I pick her up and she yells "Mama!  You came back!"  Now we just need suggestions for a book to help her with her new sleeping anxiety because sleeping in our bed can't be the best solution.  (Leave a comment if you have a good book to recommend!)

Abigail making use of my pillows.

Then there is the little obsession Abigail has with horses.  It has been growing steadily all summer.  My parents' farm is next to a man who boards horses and has his own Belgian draft horse, Dutchess.  The man is a wonderful guy who lets Abigail feed Dutchess all the apples and carrots she wants and sometimes she gets to ride her.  (One day she had a snack bag of apple sticks that she refused to eat because "they are for Dutchess.")  Sometimes Abigail will be sad and we'll ask why, thinking she is worried about global poverty or something, only to hear "I miss my Dutchess".  When we see horses in fields driving around NoVA (which is common), she screams with happiness.  There were 6 or 8 toy horses at Michaels and we told her she could have one; she selected the Belgian draft horse.  

Abigail on 'her' horse, Dutchess

One last story that I love, so stick with me.  One morning, Abigail woke up at 5:something o'clock so Larry took her downstairs and gave her some hot milk (she lives for hot milk- even on 100 degree days, but we have to limit her to 35 oz per day so she will eat other types of calories because it is crack to her).  A little while later I hung out with Monster so Lar could go back to bed (it was still before 7 in the morning).  She and I had this conversation:

• A:  "Can I have some hot milk?"
• me: "Did you already have some with Baba?"
• A:  "Yes."  (and snuggles up against me for a minute)
• A:  "Mama?  Can I please have some hot milk pleeeeease?"
• me:  "Not if you already had some.  Thank you for telling me the truth, but I will only give you cold milk now."
• A:  "But I want hot milk."
• me:  "I am very sorry.  I will give you cold milk."  (She sighs heavily and throws herself back into the couch against me.  A few minutes pass and she is very quiet.)
• A:  "Mama?  Can I have cold milk, please?"
• me:  "Yes.  Let's go into the kitchen."  (We went into the kitchen, she sits on a stool, and I pour a cup of cold milk and give it to her.)
• A:  "Thank you."  She takes the cold milk, waits a beat, and slides the cup back across the table to me saying "Can you please put this in the microwave for me, please?" 

I was SO proud of her problem solving skills and creativity in that exchange!!  Imagine what she will be like at 12 or 16 if she is like this at 2!!

Bleeding Heart, for Grover

In the past 2 weeks, Abigail has discovered Elmo. Er, "Melmo." She now thinks the purpose of the TV is to play Elmo's World videos and the purpose of the computer is to play YouTube clips of Elmo and his guests singing songs. She has noticed for the first time since January that she has an Elmo doll in her toy box, an Elmo in her bathtub, an Elmo book, an Elmo cell-phone and Elmo on all of her diapers. She swings in her red swing with Elmo. She holds him while watching his videos and dancing along. She says "Bye bye Melmo" when she has to leave him to do something. Her favorite new game she made up is to hide him, pretend she doesn't know where he is, walk around calling his name, and then "discover" him, shrieking and yelling "there he is!" while going crazy with delight.

Then she discovered his companion, Grover. He has quickly joined in the fun. She loves them both.

Tonight, after we read 4 books and I laid her in her crib with kisses and "night night" 's and her blanket and her Elmo, I crept out of her room. It was her first night to sleep that she was put to sleep with anything in her crib besides her blanket. A few minutes later, I heard her crying. That is very unusual because she either falls asleep, or entertains herself with giggling and singing until she falls asleep. So I went back into her room and scooped her up into my arms and she was crying and saying something. I rocked her and tried to figure it out. I realized she was saying "Bye bye Grover Grover" over and over while crying and whimpering. I quickly grabbed her Grover doll off of a nearby chair and handed him to her and she squealed with delight at having her friend back, at being understood. I laid her back in her crib where she nestled her two best friends to her chest and fell asleep.

Larry and I are SO in love with this child. How perfectly precious and amazing and clever is she?

Abigail "fits in" here

We have been home almost 2 months. Abigail is adjusting to life here, just as we are adjusting to having her here. Our focus now is all on her: not on all of the extracurricular things we used to sponsor at school, not on each other, certainly not on ourselves. But this is where we are and where we want to be in our lives.

I was just thinking of Christmas a little over a year ago, which was Christmas 2009. It was the first Christmas after Lar's dad had died and his mom was spending the holiday with my family in the snowy north. I remember one evening when Lar and I made the announcement "We are going to apply to adopt a Chinese baby with special needs." There was stunned silence for a few beats, our parents realized we weren't joking, and my mother ran for the Manischewitz and

glasses.

On paper Abigail might have a special need, and of course, we don't know if her cleft repair will have an affect on how she speaks. But this wonderful, happy, creative, thoughtful, beautiful, loving, amazing little girl is anything but a "special needs" kid. Although people always tell us what a lucky little girl she is, we know we are the lucky ones, to be allowed to raise this girl, our daughter.

Thing are so blissfully ordinary now. We take walks. We go to playgrounds and parks. We snuggle under blankets and read books. We adults never stay up late anymore. But at the same time, it is everything but ordinary. We get to see the whole wide world all over again through her eyes and it is astonishing, fascinating, and wonderful.

For example, this weekend, Abigail took her

maiden voyage in her new wagon (funded mostly by Jim & Steph). Just a girl and her dog. Having a nice evening ride in a wagon. In a beautiful neighborhood. On a warm spring evening.

Today, Abigail took a ride in her wagon to the duck pond. She was supposed to be taking stale pretzels for the ducks to eat. But most of the pretzels did not make it to the duck pond.

Abigail had very little regard for the ducks. We found out anyhow that ducks do not like stale pretzels anyhow.

Like a House Plant moved into the Sunlight

Abigail had a check up with her pediatrician this morning.

She is now 31 inches long. We noticed her 12 months pants were starting to look like capris on her and that is because she has grown nearly an inch and is in the 70th percentile. The doctor said it was an accelerated velocity of growth, which we understand means that she is "catching up quickly".

She is 18 pounds, 2 ounces, which is still under weight, but she has gained nearly a pound. (Not surprising since she can eat 2 drumsticks, a piece of cheese, half a baked potato, and a clementine for dinner.)

Her head circumference is also larger,
probably because her brain is absorbing so much new info :)