6 Years Later

6 years ago, this little nugget entered our lives.
She was scared and sad and covered head to toe in pink.
Now she lights up a room, is a kind, old soul, and wears shark pajamas.

506 Days

Joseph spent 506 days in the beginning of his life in a crummy, dirty orphanage.  

As of today, he has spent 506 days in a family!  He has evened the score.  Starting tomorrow, he will begin to widen that gap.

Our energetic, bouncy little monster

In his first 506 days he didn't do what most kids do in their first 506 days.  He didn't learn to stand up on his own, to walk, to speak a first word.  He didn't give hugs, receive kisses, he didn't learn to be held and he didn't know how to be tickled.  He didn't experience the daily rhythms of tight-knit family life.

In his second 506 days, he can not only stand, of course, but he can walk and run well enough to keep up with his big sister.  Today he asked me to dance with him as he led me to our "dance floor" in the living room.  He climbs everything; Larry recently secured the bookshelves from our little monkey.  Jos is a super loving little boy and a champion at giving hugs and sloppy kisses, good at reasonably expecting that the people in his life will shower him with affection, cuddles, tickles and so much love.  

If Abigail does it, it must be the right thing to do!

He probably spent his first 506 days sleeping a lot since he wasn't ever out of his crib and didn't have any toys or mental stimulation.  He spent his second 506 days making up for this - typically getting only 8.5 - 9 hours per day yet still thriving, learning, growing and soaking up the daily routines of our family. 

We are looking forward to watching our little monster grow over his next 506 days and beyond.  

Happy Match Day to Abigail, a girl without a horse

Our baby girl is outgrowing her love of horses, I think.  She used to be obsessed.  Every morning she would ask if it was a day that she would get to ride a horse, much like her little brother asks if he will get to drive a tractor every day.

But last summer, she made a wish on a star or candle or wish bone or clover or something.  A few days later, I asked her what she had wished for and she said "a horse of my own."  

About 8 months later, she said "I wish I never said out loud that I wished for a horse [last summer].  Now that wish will never come true."

So as we planned her Match Day fun, we offered to get her an hour-trail ride like we did the past 2 summers.  She demurred, saying she would rather spend the day with her bestie "A."  They went to a local jump-castle warehouse, went swimming, pelted each other with water balloons, shared lunch and dinner, and had a wonderful day.  Larry tried to explain to "A" what a match day was and Abigail was embarrassed, telling us later that she doesn't want her friends to know she used to live in an orphanage.  It opened the door for new dialogue about her past.

She is growing up so fast.  I love her more every day.  She is clever, funny, intelligent, loving, and more empathetic than her years would suggest her be capable of doing.


Photo Captions, top to bottom:
1.) Abigail with her match photo
2.) Joseph quickly jumped into the photo session, not wanting to be left out of anything that involves his best friend, role model, and center of his universe
3.)  Abigail and "A", drinking juice, making gators, and singing out loud to Katy, Miley, and a dozen others I never heard of, yet they both knew by heart!

One Year As A Whole Family (or, One Year Without Sleep!)

In anticipation of the one year anniversary of adopting our sweet kiddos, our 9-family, super awesome, and virtually close travel group has been posting lots of pictures, and saying "last year at this time we were on the Great Wall" and "last year at this time we were gathering in the lobby of the hotel to go meet our kids."  We were on an incredible journey together and care about each others' kids and families. Personally, I can't believe it has been a whole year since I was in China- I loved being in China.

Now, we are settled into the rhythms of a family of four.  Sometimes (like this week when Larry is in the middle of 2 performance schedules and Abigail is in her first musical and is also preparing for a new belt test) the beat to the rhythm seems awfully fast.  But usually it is comfortable and wonderful. 

Joseph is a sweet, loving, funny, determined, silly and devilishly handsome little boy.  He has shown empathy, demonstrated amazing problem solving skills, and is a trickster.  Joseph loves being read to, loves cuddling, loves being outside, enjoys helping Mama and Baba, and fiercely loves his JieJie.  We love him to pieces and can't imagine our family without him.

Holding a pic from a year ago

 

Jos with the flowers he picked for
Bring Your Teacher A Flower Day
at daycare today

Enjoying some ice cream after school!

The Lonely Adoption Problem, aka: Vampire Child (Cute By Day, Sucks Life out of Parents at Night)

Some adopted kids (but not all) come home to their forever families with issues.  Some have sensory issues or problems with textures.  Some have hoarding problems or other issues with food: eating too much or not enough.  Still others have issues with strangers or feeling distrustful of one gender or another.  Yet others have issues with forming loving bonds and attachment to their new family.  All of these can mostly, if not entirely, be battles that the parents and child can fight together during the long patience of daytime.  If they are lucky, the parents may even be able to enlist the help of other soldiers like immediate family members, grandparents, doctors, or therapists, to help fight the battles.

However, this is not true for parents with children who are battling the demons of sleep issues.  When your child has a sleep issue, you don't have the luxury of summoning up patience and love while you are at your best, but instead, you have to find the compassion and serenity (often multiple times) in the dead of night.  When people vaguely say "let me know if there is anything I can do to help" you can't say "come on over tomorrow about 4 am because that is when my child is going to wake up inconsolable and screaming, and you can deal with it while I get to sleep through it."  No, these are battles that are intimately fought solo, with only Erebus to keep you company.

The way that sleep problems manifest in the night might vary, from quiet, sleepy whimpers that only need a soft touch and comforting whisper to guide the child back into sleep to full blown meltdowns, characterized by quick, deafening, staccato screams and wild, stiff movements, sure indications that his amygdalae were working overtime again, and your poor little kiddo now has so much cortisol coursing through his veins that it will be impossible for either one of you to go back to sleep; get ready for the sunrise because you are now Up For The Day.  

For the parent of kids with sleep issues, knowing that when you lie down for the night, intending to power off and recharge like the device plugged in beside your bed, but aware that you never really get to do so, you never actually get into a deep and restful slumber.  Instead, you are still on alert, never quite shut down, never quite recharging.  

The problem is compounded when your child with sleep problems also doesn't seem to need more than 9 hours of sleep daily, and is still needing and taking a short daytime nap and therefore only getting a little more than 8 hours of rest during the night.  This means that parents who are already stressed-out and sleep deprived have zero time to enjoy a book, have a hobby, watch a movie, catch up on a TV show, or talk about life and decompress over a glass of wine in the evening but instead must send themselves off to bed minutes after the child falls asleep; it is the only way to minimize the zombie effects of spending part of the night awake to comfort a child followed by a 4 - something - o'clock wake up call that is gauran-damn-teed to happen in 8 hours.  

Imagine waking with your child 8 times between 8 pm and 4 am, and then a full-blown meltdown happens.  There the two of you are, at a time when only people catching an early flight and night shift nurses are awake.  Your child, in fight-or-flight mode, short punctuated screams emanating from his little body, not wanting comfort or anything you can provide, and you, roused once again from sleep, at first groggy and then your own amygdalae kick into action.  Your spouse trades places with you so that you can go back to sleep.  But you can't because your child already put you on high-alert and even though you are sleep deprived, you can't help but do the sleep math in your head, "Even if I fall asleep right now, I'll still only have x hours of sleep before I need to slog off to work..."  You even crawl in bed next to your daughter, hoping that her soft rhythmic snoring and warm bed will pull you into their orbit, inviting you back to sleep, but instead, you sob (albeit silently) into a pillow next to her, (simultaneously envious of the 10-11 hours of sleep she is getting and relieved that one of your children is sleeping soundly) because you are exhausted and because no one but your spouse can understand just how exhausted this is and because you cannot see an end to this madness and it is such an emotionally debilitating and lonely job. 

*I want to add that my husband, Father of the Year and Husband of the Year, does the Lion's share of the nightly care taking of our son.  That doesn't mean he is the only one effected by this.  We all are. 

Happy Match Day Abigail!!

We do not celebrate "Gotcha' Day" for Abigail for several reasons.  I detest the term "Gotcha' Day."  It is the day after Christmas.  It was probably the most traumatic and awful day of Abigail's life, including the day she was abandoned.  But we do make a big deal out of her Match Day.  

Me: Abigail, what is a Match Day?
A: The day you get matched to a family.  It is a big celebration.  You might get a present or a surprise or cupcakes but it is about getting picked for a family.

Pretty darn good, I thought.  Joesph went to daycare today so Abigail got undivided attention from both of her parents all day long.  At first she wished we didn't adopt Joseph so it could be like this all the time, like it used to.  But by the end of the day, we had worn her so completely out that she was begging for time alone and happy to have her brother back home.

When we were in China in May to adopt Joseph, Abigail really REALLY wanted a pearl necklace from the pearl market.  It isn't time.  So I made a cute little choker type of necklace for her using some left over pearls.  When she saw it this morning and how she looked in it she whispered "Wow.  WOW," very softly.

After that, we rented a horse for a 1-kid "pony ride."  It was 45 minutes through woods and fields while the horse was on a lead rope.  Abigail didn't want to get off.  The horse was named "Melody" and Larry and I can't get over how naturally athletic Abigail is at everything she does.  Her posture was perfect.  Absolutely amazing.  She was so at ease on Melody. 

 (The car ride home wan't too cheery because Abigail was just *so* sad about not being on the horse any more. It was like the stages of grief condensed into 30 minutes.)

I make her take a pic every year on Match
Day of her holding her Match Picture

She told me last week that she regrets ever saying
that she wishes for her own horse because now it
can never come true.  :(  

Next up, she picked lunch: the what and when.  That was followed by brownie making, eating a whole carton of raspberries, coloring, going to the library (where she wanted more books on giraffes- I love that she is so into non-fiction), and a trip to the frozen yogurt place.  

The evening ended with Karate lessons, her favorite dinner (dumplings), and reading books on giraffes.  

I could not imagine Abigail being matched to another family, and I couldn't imagine a more perfect kid for our first child.  We love her so much and she brings us so much joy.

"I feel the conflict within you" - Luke (Return of the Jedi)

Today we got our TA.  (For my non-adoption readers, that is our Travel Approval to finally buy plane tickets and go to China and get our son.  It is a very. Big. Deal.)

I have been anticipating this so intensely that I think the refresh button on my email no longer works.

I look at the picture of this little guy and have hopes and dreams for him.

I imagine who he is.  I think of the amazing responsibility I have to raise him to be a wonderful man.  My breath catches at the enormity of this responsibility.









And then I walk down the hall and see my first born. 

My spunky, creative, caring, intelligent wonderful daughter.

And I think about our TA and I want to cry.

Because I only have 2 weeks left with her.  Just her. 

Only 2 weeks until we make room in our lives for her brother.  

She is so innocent. And trusting. She trusts we are doing the right thing for our family.




And I have to believe that she is right.

Then I have to soak up every last bit of her, because I think the big sister we bring back from China is not going to be exactly the same kid. 

And...........MeiMei's a BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abigail would like to introduce everyone to her baby BROTHER (not the sister who Mama and Baba initially planned for, but the brother she dreamed of), Joseph Li of Henan Province!  He just turned 14 months old.


Things are moving very fast: we got his referral on January 29th, Chinese New Year's Eve
then had to wait an excruciatingly long week for CNY to be over to lock his file the following Friday.
Then, on Monday, we received our Letter of Acceptance from China. 



Now we are furiously scurrying around to find a crib, dresser, and get clothes for a boy (since we had saved all of Abigail's old clothes, many dresses with tags still on them, of course, since she won't wear dresses!!).

3 Years Ago...

3 Years Ago, Abigail had a very traumatic and difficult day.  
She mourned a great loss and Larry and I don't forget that or take that lightly.  
But today, she is a happy happy happy kiddo.
We know that there will be many more questions in the future, but we take it one day at a time.

Dossier or Deathly Hallows?

Did you ever wonder about the adoption "paper chase"?
Here is a visual for you: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the left, our completed dossier on the right.

Keep your fingers crossed for a match by February: we'd love to travel before next school year, and in above-freezing temperatures this time around!!  I cannot express how much we would LOVE to get to travel during summer break so we can really enjoy our time in China and take in some of Hong Kong on the way home.  Since our home study delayed us 9 weeks (incompetent, inept.....), it would not surprise us if we have to travel 1-2 months into the new school year!!

At least this part is done.  Now we just sit back and wait!

Happy Match Day!

Happy Match Day Abigail!

In July 2010, Larry and I mailed our dossier to our agency and then went to Pittsburgh with my brother Jim and sister-in-law Steph where we joined up with my Dad to bicycle ride from Pittsburgh to Washington DC, an adventure item on my Dad's bucket list that we were loathe to let him do alone.  The 2 days on the Great Allegheny Passage Trail was pretty great biking (as far as biking goes), but after 2 days on the C&O Towpath we were all feeling tired and ready to be done.  Then on July 21st, in a hotel room in Harper's Ferry, West Virginia, as the 5 of us filled ourselves with take-out pizza and free iced coffee, we got a phone call from our agency.  The woman on the line asked why we had not responded to the child's file we were sent weeks ago since it was about to be sent back.  I told her that we never received such a file.  (We had received a very flippant voice mail about 10 days earlier saying "This is so-and-so from CCAI.  Call me back when you get a chance" but all returned calls went straight to her vacation voice mail.)



A few minutes later we were all staring at the tiny pictures on Larry's ipod of our daughter.  
I didn't sleep that night.  I don't know if it was all the coffee or my new daughter!

Welcome to Pandas and Superheros

I have moved all of the blog entries about Abigail and her adoption into this blog.

That way, I can have all of the entries about both kids and both adoptions in one place.

Yes, that's right!  We have begun the process to bring home a sibling from China for Abigail.

The name of the blog refers to the cute animals native to the birth country of my children, and my first child's obsession with superheros!


(picture of Abigail in a very interesting outfit!)

1 Year Ago, The Day After Christmas

Yesterday was our first Christmas with Abigail.

Because one year ago today (American time), we met Abigail for the first time.

Letter To An Unknown Birth Mother

I once read that a child's birthday really celebrates the mother, more than the child, or so it should. I want you to know that I thought about you today, in the middle of the excitement of aunts and uncles and grandparents and cake and too many gifts. I wish there was a way to let you know that she is doing well, better than that, really.

She is thriving.

I know you must be beautiful, because she is gorgeous. You must be intelligent, because she is quick to learn and very very clever. I know you have a big heart because you loved her enough to give her a chance at life when you couldn't give her that chance yourself, and you should know, she has your huge heart. Experts might say that a just-turned-2 year old is not capable of empathy, but when someone she loves is feeling sad or sick, she readily shares her toys or hugs, trying to elicit a smile. In fact, she is full of smiles, songs, hugs and kisses, giggles, teases and creativity. She is athletic and coordinated, a good dancer. She loves learning and reading and is fiercely independent but sweetly vulnerable.
Thank you a million times over for the gift of your daughter. Our daughter.

Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other

Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other: In Praise of Adoption is Scott Simon's new book. I read it this morning; it was a quick read.

I loved that Simon is honest about his experience: that it wasn't all perfect but it was worth it. That sometimes people don't know what to say to adopted kids or parents. That adopted kids carry around a loss and that adoptive parents get to help their children through that, and really great parents will let their children grieve that loss and help them grow from it. That adoption isn't about heroics: that a child gets a home, but we get something better: a child.

I really hope that my friends and family and parents read this book before we bring Abigail home into all of our lives.

Travel Info, LOA

Today we received our LOA from the CCAA. Our agency over-nighted it to us and we signed it and over-nighted it back. Other forms and paperwork were sent with it that need to go various places. Our estimated window of when we get to (finally) go to China is around December 4th through January 6th.

We are unsure of how the American holidays may or may not affect our travel. We are desperate to bring her home by Christmas break!

Anyhow, everyone pray to your favorite deity that we get to travel closer to the December 4th part of that window than the January 6th part! We can't get her here soon enough: for her or for us!!

Wo Ai Ni Mommy PBS POV Documentary

This evening, Larry and I watched the PBS Point of View Documentary about a New York family who adopted an 8 year old from China. The video was stressful to watch. Our hearts were breaking for that child: she just wanted to be listened to and understood.

Larry and I will be discussing things from this video for a long time.

Wanting some closure or other information following the viewing, I saw the following facts posted on PBS's website.

In 2001, there were 1.5 million adopted children in the United States, representing 2.5 percent of all U.S. children.

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute's 1997 public opinion benchmark survey found that 58 percent of Americans know someone who has been adopted, has adopted a child or has relinquished a child for adoption.

Though U.S. citizens adopted nearly 13,000 children from 106 different countries in 2009, a little more than two-thirds of all children came from only five sending countries: China (23 percent), Ethiopia (18 percent), Russia (12 percent), South Korea (8 percent) and Guatemala (6 percent).

In 2006, the Chinese government proposed a new set of rules requiring that adoptive parents must meet certain educational and financial requirements, be married, be under 50, not be clinically obese, not have taken antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication in the previous two years and not have any facial deformities.

Domestically, the percentage of infants given up for adoption has declined from 9 percent of those born before 1973 to 1 percent of those born between 1996 and 2002.

Same-sex couples raising adopted children are older, more educated and have more economic resources than other adoptive parents. An estimated 65,500 adopted American children are living with a lesbian or gay parent.

The beginning happened very fast

"We learn, not for school, but for life."

A little more than a year ago, full of spit and fire I decided to start a blog about eduction in America. I posted one entry, included one of my favorite quotes ("Our species needs, and deserves, a citizenry with minds wide awake and a basic understanding of how the world works."- Carl Sagan) and then I got distracted by another idea.

I decided that I did not feel the need to carry and give birth to a child, but that I wanted to raise a child. To educate a child (not home-school, but expose to many ideas and places in this world). My husband Larry and I spent 5 or 6 months researching all types of adoption. By January 2010, we decided to pursue a special needs adoption in China.

We were prepared to wait a year or two, save some more money, live it up as DINKs a while longer.

During the second week of July, while visiting my brother Jim in Virginia, Lar and I made a trip to the State Department and to the Chinese Embassy to finalize our dossier. Later that day, we missed a call from our agency, called back and left a message and figured if it was something important, they'd call back.

On July 18th, along with my Dad, Jim, and Steph (Jim's wife), Lar and I left for a week-long bicycle trip from Pittsburgh to Washington DC. On July 20th, our dossier arrived at our agency in Georgia. On July 21st, while eating pizza in a hotel room in Harper's Ferry, WV we got another call from our agency in Colorado wondering why we hadn't accepted the little girl with the cleft lip.

The rest of the evening is a blur of Dad, Jim, Steph, Lar and I passing around an ipod with her picture, calling doctors, and trying to keep the pizza down!

Could this big-eyed little girl be our daughter?

We were expecting a 2-year-old.

She was not quite 9-months.

In the two weeks since then, we accepted this child, CCAA "pre-approved" us, our dossier was sent for translation, and we began to buy baby furniture and rearrange our perfect, organized house!